Finding the Way Back to His Grace

I have been pondering the last few weeks.  I feel alive again.  I mentioned this to a friend and she responded with some words of wisdom.  She said:  "When you hold on to something like anxiety for so long, it becomes a part of you and letting it go is difficult, but when you do, you gain new life. And that is likely why you feel alive again."

I struggled so much with anxiety these past few months and I kept it mostly to myself.  All the things I loved doing, brought little joy.  I spent time with my kids, my husband, friends, prayed, went to church and read my Bible but the things that **I** loved to do were a struggle (crochet, writing, reading, drawing, running etc).  I know it likely had something to do with no sleep.  I have always had problems sleeping.  As early as my childhood I have clear memories of sleepless nights and going through my day exhausted.  It has been worse at various times in my life.  I had a huge struggle on our holidays in September to sleep.  I think the lack of sleep contributed to the anxiety I began to feel.   I strived to write in my journal, to make gratitude my focus, to take the deep breaths but it felt hollow and empty at times.  I couldn't understand it.  My same friend said, "Perhaps you are in a desert time?"  Sure felt like it.

I was trying too hard in my own strength.  It never occurred to me that God could take the desert away as quickly as I gave it up (see My Soul to Keep).  I felt like if I read more, if I wrote more thankfulness in my journal, if I prayed more, if I gave more of myself etc etc. *I'd* just come out of it; eventually.  It was me doing it; not relinquishing it to the Holy Spirit.  I felt like I had to work hard at it to get it to leave.  It's when I made my way to the throne of grace, with a broken heart that it changed.  The anxiety is gone, there is not a hint of it.  But here's something else, something unexpected, my sleep, has been restored too.  I've been up to pray a couple of times but for the most part, I've been sleeping, very well.

I keep thinking about the Desert Song, verse one and four especially:

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
And this in my prayer in the hunger and need
My God is a God who provides


Oh yes, HE provided.   And verse four:

And this is my prayer in the harvest
Where favour and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
This seed I've received I will sow.

I know beyond a shadow of doubt, it was GOD who did this in my life.  God restored my ability to sleep at night, and He took the anxiety from me.  I'm in the harvest, of life made new and passions awakened. Only The LORD can do that.